Dr Chai Patel - An apology and an explanation

The BBC news programmes and BBC 2 Newnight have today been alive to the complaints of a Dr Chai Patel (no relation) whose name is said to figure on a list of Labour Party donors who are shortly to be ennobled.

Regrettably there has been some confusion for which I must apologise. An ennoblment is due for Patel. It is I. Me. Not he.

Thankfully this is not the result of a squalid donation of immoderate size to the Labour Party coffers. I cannot however, nor will I reveal how I came by CCTV recordings from Stockwell Tube Station when Mr De Menezes was murdered, nor the recordings of conversation between the Prime Minister and Mr Bush about bombing Al Jazeera (although fragments have been published here), nor the interesting result of certain paternity tests and the contents of a safe deposit box in the Isle of Man, nor the diaries of "Miss" Rita Ferrari.My friend "Bernie" Ecclestone and I have also agreed to remain silent upon certain topics relating to motor racing, smoking certain substances and contributions , payment of school fees, use of holiday homes etc., Geoff Hoon can also be sure that my lips are sealed about his "interesting" time in Louisville and the real reson why he is now ex Minister of War.

The main problem, resulting in this tiresome delay is my wish to be known as Lord Patel of the Internet. There are, Patel being a common name, already 2 Lords Patel, one an eminent gynaecologist and the other a very, very close friend of Jack Straw's, so confusion should not arise.

However the pedants of the Honours Office claim there is no such place as "The Internet". Apparently there is also a problem with the copyright of the particular DNA sequencing, displayed on the scroll on my coat of arms, which neither parent, the chambermaid nor the Cabinet Minister will allow to be used.

I much regret the way Dr Chai Patel has been misled, but I would refer him to the unseemly squabble over the unlikely (and deeply unlikeable) Lord Bossom of Brighton, a warning to any one anxious to hire their scarlet and ermine trimmed robes from Ede & Ravenscroft.

Until the official announcement is made, I will, naturally, still be known as... Postman.