Royal Blackmail - a long history ... Amazing Pictures

Once again blackmail and the Royal Family are being used in the same sentence, as Ian Strachan (AKA Paul Einar Ian Adalsteinsson ), 30, and Sean McGuigan, 40, have been arrested and charged with blackmail of a royal cabinet maker.

The problem is that the Royal Family have a long history of blackmailing, using fillums and video. Perhaps the most famous being the need to send the spy Anthony Blunt to Germany at the end of the war on a mysterious mission.

Prince Philip's sister Sophie married Prince Christoph of Hesse who had joined the Nazi Party in 1933. He became the chief of the Forschungsamt (directorate of scientific research) in about 1935 , a special intelligence operation run by Hermann Göring, and he was also Standartenführer (colonel) of the SS on Heinrich Himmler's personal staff. The Forschungsamt used telephone intercepts and listening devices to police the Nazi Party, and worked with the Gestapo against the Catholic Church, the Jews, and labour organizations.They also collected incriminating evidence to arrange for killings, blackmail, extortion etc.,

Prince Philip who had close connections with Edward VIIIth. The once lamost and future King was, Portuguese Secret Service files disclose, in close collaboration with the Nazis in Spain and Portugal to foment a revolution in wartime Britain, that would topple the Churchill government, depose his brother King George VI, and allow him to regain the throne, with Mrs Simpson at his side. Portuguese surveillance revealed that Walter Schellenberg, head of Gestapo counterintelligence, was one point of contact in this plot. After Schellenberg met with the Spanish ambassador to Portugal, Nicolás Franco, brother of fascist Gen. Francisco Franco, Ambassador Franco told a Portuguese diplomat: ``The Duke of Windsor, free from the responsibilities of the war, in disagreement with English politicians, could be the man to put at the head of the Empire.''

Therefore fillum of the future King Edward VIIIth fellating Hitler on the terrace at the Berchetsgaden with the nymphomaniac Wallis doing unmentionable things with Hitler's favourite shepherd dog Prinz, in the background, from Philip's brother in law was dynamite. Whilst the identity of Hilter can be adduced from his monotesticular state and a curious groin scar, and the oddly cut revers of his jacket. Wallis's identity has been disputed as being Eva Braun, but due to Hilter being horizontally challenged she was forbidden to ware high heels which the performer quite evidently is.

Anyway possession of the fillum enabled his mother (and crucially Philip's future mother in law) to ensure that he never again set foot in England.

Anthony Blunt was of course the slim hipped body whose image was used by Burgess to blackmail Mclean as he leisurely buggered the art historian. These famous pictures were taken (along with many, many others) at 6 Bendick Street, the house which Lord Rothschild provided free for the coterie of Marxist plotters for the course of the war. The tastefully furnished bedroom in patriotic red, white and blue with a huge double bed was the sight and location of many filmed orgies.

Paradoxically the address bears a blue plaque as witness to the home of Gibbon who wrote the Decline and Fall of one Empire , and also provided the locale of those seeking to destroy another .. and succeeding.

Of course blackmailing the Royal family is a delicate business as they are such adroit practioners themselves. It is for this reason that they maintain a record of the physical characteristics of each member for reference to check authenticity.

Consequently the many brief fleeting scenes alleged to be of "Squiffy" and Stiffy" have to be cross referenced on an almost daily basis, and that of their brief and amorous "friends".

This photographic collection used to be held at an MI5 safe house in Praed Street but has been moved and amalgamated to accomodate the Princess of Wales personal collection and the collection of glass dildoes that an octogenarian glass worker from Tetbury had fashioned from life from various royal personages, some out of vanity and some by admiring wives and girlfriends. It is essential to keep this updated to keep abreast of thje body piercings, tongue studs, tattoos etc., of the younger Royals and their assorted mistresses, boy friends and drug suppliers.

The advance of the digital age and the digital image is such that the tiny unit had become overwhelmed and is now located in the old stables at Sandringham (more correctly .. underneath).

The tsunami of digital gadgetry has also rendered new methods of collection of "evidence" and one of the royal tearaways ("Squiffy" or "Stiffy" it is unclear) had taken to using a (borowed) military night sight head set whilst roaming the drug fuelled orgies, so that the user could survey the action in the dimly lit purlieues of the royally infested clubs, pubs and boudoirs.( for really sick scense for the "zoo" clientele these can be maounted on dogs ... see pic)

To this had recently been added a tiny digital camera, as worn by the Metropolitan Police.

Unbeknown to the user menacing triple lensed and frightening headgear meant the user was providing a signal faithfully recorded on the banks of recorders deep in the bowels of the Met surveillance Centre. Strachan, a property developer and McGuigan (said to be a part time car valeter) had stumbled upon the footage of Princess Margaret's favourite son and part time DIY woodworker, cocksucking and cocaine sniffing whilst entertaining a "senior London Policeman". (He is also 12th in line for the Throne)

Strachan has applied for bail (his lawyer is the crazy bastard, Giovanni di Stefano - who acted for Saddam Hussein and Slobodan Milosevic ) which is being held as we speak at the Old Bailey behind (unusually) closed doors.

Princess Margaret was of course the star of many fillums, the most extraordinmary of which featured John Bindon who was celebrated to be able to nalance thre half pints on his member - which could be extended by a sherry glass (small) by Margaret by the adroit and skilful use of a curiously contrived golden finger stall that Cartier made on her instructions (aided, said by some, by the Duchess of Windsor).

It is said that when she arrived wearing this golden ornament the guests knew they were in for some high jinks and that the more "colourful" the display, the the more likely that the "colourful" house servants of her Caribbean hideaway would be involved in the evening's entertainment.

With thanks for assistance to she boy Tulipa Veeraswamy, "Roland Rat", and the extrordianrily helpful archivist at Baron Desmond's Sexpress Pornographic Film Archive. The fascinating pictures of Lord Levy and friends are safe in our safe.