Blair in Shock Easter Shuffle (Easter Rising ?)

Well, there I was last week at Champneys enjoying a relaxing session of Shiro dhara, which is a beautifully relaxing Ayurvedic theraby combining oil flow treatment on the third eye with mukhra abhyanga concentrating on facial marma points which really relieves strsss and tension, when who do I see next to me ...Carole Caplin... "Why Lordy Lordy Patel" she cries and we catch up on gossip.

Apparently, some little birdy tells her (nidge nudge we all know who that is ?) that Tony is going to have a re-shuffle - really BIG SHUFFLE - he's like a magician she says, quickness of the hand deceives the eye - but not the third eye she says and looks knowlingly as Aysha lathers on the oil. BIG moves are afoot .. next minute she's fast asleep as Aysha hits her marma points with unerring accuracy.

As look would have it, however , I was in the Director's bar at Turf Moor after Burnley had sunk Crystal Palace on Staurday and who should I bump into but Alastair, so I tell him what the old crystal balls had been telling me (nudge nudge)...and he says (in his inimitable forthright style) .. "Too F******g right, squire, Like Macmillan, Night of the Long Knives sort the b******s out". I point out that Harold lost his job rather soon after the putsch. "So what" says Al (he likes me to call him that), "a few lessons to be learnt, a few truths to be told. Too F******g right, squire".Easter Peace agreement ...more like F******g Easter F*****g Declaration of War on those back bench whingers after Tony's liver. I notice his speech is a bit slurred, "F******g Health service is f*****d, Education ditto, Defence, what f******g defence ?, Immigrants, Prisons f******g full of 'em, Nuclear power, of course he has to make some BIG BIG changes...shome people are in a for a BIG shock !!"

He explains that the evil b****y Scotsman who wants to educate every picaninnie in the world will get his chance to do it at the Foreign office, whilst Alan Milburn shuffles into his spot ( and the inside lane for better things..?), Charlie C who has wonderfully set up the State / MI5 run FBI / SOCA team and all the necessary Fascist legislation (although the admin is a f*****g balls up he whispers) is going to sort those b******s out in the Health Service, and Stephen (Byers I guess) takes over his pitch. Keith Vaz sorts out the Energy policy and Wicks goes, along with Tessa (who needs a "rest") and Beckett to spend more time with her caravan after f******g up on the EU Emissions, talking of which Blunkett will keep the Olympic big spenders under his thumb at Kulchur whilst creepy, smarmy Ben Bradshaw takes over at the DTI ... and that Hewitt woman can keep her f*****g husband happy at home and stop upsetting the f******g nurses. Hain sorts out the military wallahs, the nasty rude b****y Scot can replace that DPM, the Hull Humper who can go and spend more time with his family, reminds me we must find something nice for Rosie, ... Charlie's been there, so Hutton might like a helping , hand now and then (for some reason he winked rather knowingly) and the dim windy F******g Welsh windbag Howell sorts out the Irish and the Welsh, now he's done with the Afghans and the Iraqis"

I note that Andy Gray has joined us and his nodding his head..." Right Boss, they politicians is just like footba' just move the team about ... we bring in Alan Mahon on loan he sticks it to me and BANG.." ... "Right" says Al, "Too F******g right, squire" You forget about Ed Balls ," says Andy...". "Leader of the House, and Hoon gets kicked upstairs, superb job on WMD, lied like a trooper," says Al, "take over as Chief Whip and Gentleman at Arms from that useless Grocott, red brick f*****g poofter, who was Tony's useless PPS.

Andy says, "Yes, and don't forget Lady Scotland Alistair, she's a loyal player ...he should get her in the Cabinet .... Take over Education from that useless Kelly woman, that's what I would do, play her deep in the back four, know whatimean ? Teachers would be scared stiff of her " .... " and that Hilary ARmstrong what a w*****r give Johnson her job and boot her upstairs", he took another reflective swallow at his pint.

I go to get Al and Andy another pint of Thwaites, when I come back, they have gone and Burnley's manager Steve Cottrill is there, I say "Where's Alastair", "Alastair ?" he says, "no idea, we get all sorts in here, is he from Crystal Palace ?"

Steve takes the spare pint and I say Andy scored a fantastic goal, "Yes he says,but why doesn't he do it more f*****g often ?"

Pic The Cabinet Office where POWER really lies